1. Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) was born on and died on days when Halley's Comet can be seen. During his life he predicted that he would die when it could be seen.
2. US Dollar bills are made out of cotton and linen.
3. The "57" on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of pickle types the company once had.
4. Americans are responsible for about 1/5 of the world's garbage annually. On average, that's 3 pounds a day per person.
5. Giraffes and rats can last longer without water than camels.
6. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks so that it doesn't digest itself.
7. 98% of all murders and rapes are by a close family member or friend of the victim.
8. A B-25 bomber crashed into the 79th floor of the Empire State Building on July 28, 1945.
9. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.
10. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
11. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
12. Benjamin Franklin was the fifth in a series of the youngest son of the youngest son.
13. Triskaidekaphobia means fear of the number 13. Paraskevidekatriaphobia means fear of Friday the 13th (which occurs one to three times a year). In Italy, 17 is considered an unlucky number. In Japan, 4 is considered an unlucky number.
14. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
15. All the chemicals in a human body combined are worth about 6.25 euro (if sold separately).
16. In ancient Rome, when a man testified in court he would swear on his testicles.
17. The ZIP in "ZIP code" means Zoning Improvement Plan.
18. Coca-Cola contained Coca (whose active ingredient is cocaine) from 1885 to 1903.
19. A "2 by 4" is really 1 1/2 by 3 1/2.
20. It's estimated that at any one time around 0.7% of the world's population is drunk.
21. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades = David ; Clubs = Alexander the Great ; Hearts = Charlemagne ; Diamonds = Caesar
22. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
23. Every person, including identical twins, has a unique eye and tongue print along with their finger print.
24. The "spot" on the 7-Up logo comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was an albino.
25. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 dictionary were misspelled.
26. The "save" icon in Microsoft Office programs shows a floppy disk with the shutter on backwards.
27. Albert Einstein and Charles Darwin both married their first cousins (Elsa Löwenthal and Emma Wedgewood respectively).
28. Camel's have three eyelids.
29. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents every day.
30. John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln's son.
31. Warren Beatty and Shirley McLaine are brother and sister.
32. Chocolate can kill dogs; it directly affects their heart and nervous system.
33. Daniel Boone hated coonskin caps.
34. Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.
35. 55.1% of all US prisoners are in prison for drug offenses.
36. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
37. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
38. Dr. Seuss pronounced his name "soyce".
39. Slugs have four noses.
40. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
41. The Three Wise Monkeys have names: Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru (Hear no evil), and Mazaru (Speak no evil).
42. India has a Bill of Rights for cows.
43. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out. (DON'T TRY IT, DUMBASS)
44. During the California gold rush of 1849, miners sent their laundry to Honolulu for washing and pressing. Due to the extremely high costs in California during these boom years, it was deemed more feasible to send their shirts to Hawaii for servicing.
45. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by taking out an olive from First Class salads.
46. About 200,000,000 M%26amp;Ms are sold each day in the United States.
47. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
48. Over a course of about eleven years, the sun's magnetic poles switch places. This cycle is called "Solarmax".
49. There are 318,979,564,000 possible combinations of the first four moves in Chess.
50. Upper and lower case letters are named "upper" and "lower" because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the lower case letters.
51. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
52. The numbers "172" can be found on the back of the US 5 dollar bill, in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.
53. Coconuts kill about 150 people each year. That's more than sharks.
54. Half of all bank robberies take place on a Friday.
55. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before it.
56. The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.
57. The first bomb the Allies dropped on Berlin in WWII killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
58. The average raindrop falls at 7 miles per hour.
59. It took Leonardo Da Vinci 10 years to paint Mona Lisa. He never signed or dated the painting. Leonardo and Mona had identical bone structures according to the painting. X-ray images have shown that there are 3 other versions under the original.
60. If you put a drop of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
61. Bruce Lee was so fast that they had to slow the film down so you could see his moves.
62. The largest amount of money you can have without having change for a dollar is $1.19 (3 quarters, 4 dimes, and 4 pennies cannot be divided into a dollar).
63. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA".
64. IBM's motto is "Think". Apple later made their motto "Think different".
65. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white, due to low budget.
66. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
67. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
68. One in fourteen women in America is a natural blonde. Only one in sixteen men is.
69. The Olympic was the sister ship of the Titanic, and she provided twenty-five years of service.
70. When the Titanic sank, 2228 people were on it. Only 706 survived.
71. In America, someone is diagnosed with AIDS every 10 minutes. In South Africa, someone dies due to HIV or AIDS every 10 minutes.
72. Every day, 7% of the US eats at McDonald's.
73. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, which Motorola got their name from.
74. In the US, about 127 million adults are overweight or obese; worldwide, 750 million are overweight and 300 million more are obese. In the US, 15% of children in elementary school are overweight; 20% are worldwide.
75. In Disney's Fantasia, the Sorcerer to whom Mickey played an apprentice was named Yensid (Disney spelled backward).
76. During his entire life, Vincent Van Gogh sold exactly one painting, "Red Vineyard at Arles".
77. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
78. One in ten people live on an island.
79. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
80. 28% of Africa is classified as wilderness. In North America, its 38%.
81. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
82. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
83. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said "Elementary, my dear Watson", Humphrey Bogart NEVER said "Play it again, Sam" in Casablanca, and they NEVER said "Beam me up, Scotty" on Star Trek.
84. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.
85. Sharon Stone was the first Star Search spokes model.
86. The sound you here when you put a seashell next to your ear is not the ocean, but blood flowing through your head.
87. More people are afraid of open spaces (kenophobia) than of tight spaces (claustrophobia).
88. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
89. There is a 1 in 4 chance that New York will have a white Christmas.
90. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
91. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
92. Back in the mid to late '80s, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered 100% compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.
93. $203,000,000 is spent on barbed wire each year in the U.S.
94. Every US president has worn glasses (just not always in public).
95. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
96. Jim Henson first coined the word "Muppet". It is a combination of "marionette" and "puppet."
97. The names of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with (not counting the words "North" and "South).
98. The Michelin man is known as Mr. Bib. His name was Bibendum in the company's first ads in 1896.
99. About 20% of bird species have become extinct in the past 200 years, almost all of them because of human activity.
100. The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
101. About 14% of injecting drug users are HIV positive.
102. A word or sentence that is the same front and back (racecar, kayak) is called a "palindrome".
103. A snail can sleep for 3 years.
104. People photocopying their buttocks are the cause of 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide.
105. China has more English speakers than the United States.
106. Finnish folklore says that when Santa comes to Finland to deliver gifts, he leaves his sleigh behind and rides on a goat named Ukko instead. According to French tradition, Santa Claus has a brother named Bells Nichols, who visits homes on New Year's Eve after everyone is asleep, and if a plate is set out for him, he fills it with cookies and cakes.
107. One in every 9000 people is an albino.
108. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
109. You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.
110. Everyday, more money is printed for Monopoly sets than for the U.S. Treasury.
111. Every year 4 people in the UK die putting their trousers on.
112. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds; dogs only have about ten.
113. Our eyes are always the same size from birth but our nose and ears never stop growing.
114. In every episode of "Seinfeld" there is a Superman picture or reference somewhere.
115. If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.
116. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
117. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
118. Each year in America there are about 300,000 deaths that can be attributed to obesity.
119. About 55% of all movies are rated R.
120. About 500 movies are made in the US and 800 in India annually.
121. Arabic numerals are not really Arabic; they were created in India.
122. Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations (implemented on July 16, 1969) makes it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles.
123. The February of 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
124. The Pentagon in Arlington Virginia has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
125. There is actually no danger in swimming right after you eat, though it may feel uncomfortable.
126. The cruise liner Queen Elizabeth II moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
127. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
128. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
129. There are about 2 chickens for every human in the world.
130. The word "maverick" came into use after Samuel Maverick, a Texan refused to brand his cattle. Eventually any unbranded calf became known as a Maverick.
131. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
132. For every memorial statue with a person on a horse, if the horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died of battle wounds; if all four of the horse's legs are on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
133. On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the American flag is flying over the Parliament Building.
134. An American urologist bought Napoleon's penis for $40,000.
135. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
136. Dreamt is the only English word that ends in the letters "MT".
137. $283,200 is the absolute highest amount of money you can win on Jeopardy.
138. Almonds are members of the peach family.
139. Rats and horses can't vomit.
140. The penguin is the only bird that can't fly but can swim.
141. There are approximately 100 million acts of sexual intercourse each day.
142. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies room during a dance.
143. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
144. There are only four words in the English language that end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
145. Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
146. Every time you lick a stamp you consume 1/10 of a calorie.
147. "101 Dalmatians" and "Peter Pan" are the only Disney animations in which both of a character's parents are present and don't die during the movie.
148. You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
149. Hedenophobic means fear of pleasure.
150. Ancient Egyptian priests would pluck every hair from their bodies.
151. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
152. Half of all crimes are committed by people under the age of 18. 80% of burglaries are committed by people aged 13-21.
153. An ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
154. All polar bears are left-handed.
155. The catfish has over 27000 taste buds (more than any other animal)
156. A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
157. Butterflies taste with their feet.
158. Elephants are the only mammals that cannot jump.
159. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
160. Starfish have no brains.
161. 11% of the world is left-handed.
162. John Hancock and Charles Thomson were the only people to sign the Declaration of independence on July 4th, 1776. The last signature came five years later.
163. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
164. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
165. The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses.
166. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
167. A healthy (non-colorblind) human eye can distinguish between 500 shades of gray.
168. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
169. Lizards can self-amputate their tails for protection. It grows back after a few months.
170. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula". It can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.
171. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
172. A honeybee can fly at fifteen miles per hour.
173. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
174. A "jiffy" is the scientific name for 1/100th of a second.
175. The average child recognizes over 200 company logos by the time he enters first grade.
176. The youngest pope ever was 11 years old.
177. The first novel ever written on a typewriter is Tom Sawyer.
178. One out of every 43 prisoners escapes from jail. 94% are recaptured.
179. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
180. The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs melted into it.
181. A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
182. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
183. Elwood Edwards did the voice for the AOL sound files (i.e. "You've got Mail!"). He is heard about 27 million times a day. The recordings were done before Quantum changed its name to AOL and the program was known as "Q-Link."
184. A polar bears skin is black. Its fur is actually clear, but like snow it appears white.
185. Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis middle name was spelled Aron, in honor of his brother.
186. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
187. Donkeys kill more people than plane crashes.
188. Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump."
189. There are a million ants for every person on Earth.
190. If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
191. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
192. The name Jeep comes from "GP", the army abbreviation for General Purpose.
193. Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do.
194. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
195. Cats' urine glows under a black light.
196. A "quidnunc" is a person who is eager to know the latest news and gossip.
197. The first US Patent was for manufacturing potassium carbonate (used in glass and gunpowder). It was issued to Samuel Hopkins on July 31, 1970.
198. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors, the helicopter, and many other present day items.
199. In the last 4000 years no new animals have been domesticated.
200. 25% of a human's bones are in its feet.
201. David Sarnoff received the Titanic's distress signal and saved hundreds of passengers. He later became the head of the first radio network, the National Broadcasting Company (NBC).
202. On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
203. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than every Nike factory worker in Malaysia combined.
204. One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the '30s lobbied against hemp farmers (they saw it as competition).
205. "Canada" is an Indian word meaning "Big Village".
206. Only one in two billion people will live to be 116 or older.
207. If you yelled for 8 years 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
208. Rape is reported every six minutes in the U.S.
209. The human heart creates enough pressure in the bloodstream to squirt blood 30 feet.
210. A jellyfish is 95% water.
211. Truck driving is the most dangerous occupation by accidental deaths (799 in 2001).
212. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
213. Elephants only sleep for two hours each day.
214. On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
215. The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. (the heart is not a muscle)
216. In golf, a 'Bo Derek' is a score of 10.
217. In the U.S, Frisbees outsell footballs, baseballs and basketballs combined.
218. In most watch advertisements the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
219. If you plant an apple seed, it is almost guaranteed to grow a tree of a different type of apple.
220. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
221. The only real person to be a PEZ head was Betsy Ross.
222. There are about 450 types of cheese in the world. 240 come from France.
223. When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers plays football at home the stadium becomes Nebraska's third largest city.
224. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life".
225. A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.
226. In Iceland, a Big Mac costs $5.50.
227. Broccoli and cauliflower are the only vegetables that are flowers.
228. Newborn babies have about 350 bones. They gradually merge and disappear until there are about 206 by age 5.
229. There is no solid proof of who built the Taj Mahal.
230. In a survey of 200000 ostriches over 80 years, not one tried to bury its head in the sand.
231. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. A quarter has 119.
232. On an American one-dollar bill there is a tiny owl in the upper-left-hand corner of the upper-right-hand "1" and a spider hidden in the front upper-right-hand corner.
233. Judy Scheindlin ("Judge Judy") has a $25,000,000 salary, while Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg has a $190,100 salary.
234. The name for Oz in the Wizard of Oz was thought up when the creator Frank Baum looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N and O-Z.
235. Andorra, a tiny country on the border between France and Spain, has the longest average lifespan: 83.49 years.
236. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
237. Mr. Rogers was an ordained Presbyterian minister.
238. In America you will see an average of 500 advertisements a day.
239. John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
240. You can lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
241. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
242. "The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in English.
243. There are 336 dimples on a regulation US golf ball. In the UK its 330.
244. The Toltecs (a 7th century tribe) used wooden swords so they wouldn't kill their enemies.
245. "Duff" is the decaying organic matter found on a forest floor.
246. The US has more personal computers than the next 7 countries combined.
247. There have been over 600 lawsuits against Alexander Grahm Bell over rights to the patent of the telephone, the most valuable patent in U.S. history.
248. Kuwait is about 60% male (highest in the world). Latvia is about 54% female (highest in the world).
249. The Hawaiian alphabet has only 12 letters.
250. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
251. At the height of its power in 400 BC, the Greek city of Sparta had 25,000 citizens and 500,000 slaves.
252. Julius Caesar's autograph is worth about $2,000,000.
253. The tool doctors wrap around a patient's arm to measure blood pressure is called a sphygmomanometer.
254. People say "bless you" when you sneeze because your heart stops for a millisecond.
255. US gold coins used to say "In Gold We Trust".
256. In "Silence of the Lambs", Hannibal Lector (Anthony Hopkins) never blinks.
257. A shrimp's heart is in its head.
258. In the 17th century, the value of pi was known to 35 decimal places. Today, to 1.2411 trillion.
259. The bestselling books of all time are The Bible (6billion+), Quotations from the Works of Mao Tse-tung (900million+), and The Lord of the Rings (100million+)
260. Pearls melt in vinegar.
261. "Lassie" was played by a group of male dogs; the main one was named Pal.
262. In 1863, Paul Hubert of Bordeaux, France, was sentenced to life in jail for murder. After 21 years, it was discovered that he was convicted of murdering himself.
263. Nepal is the only country that doesn't have a rectangular flag. Switzerland is the only country with a square flag.
264. Gabriel, Michael, and Lucifer are the only angels named in the Bible.
265. Tiger Woods' real first name is Eldrick. His father gave him the nickname "Tiger" in honor of a South Vietnamese soldier his father had fought alongside with during the Vietnam War.
266. Johnny Appleseed planted apples so that people could use apple cider to make alcohol.
267. Abraham Lincoln's ghost is said to haunt the White House.
268. God is not mentioned once in the book of Esther.
269. The odds of being born male are about 51.2%, according to census.
270. Scotland has more redheads than any other part of the world.
271. There is an average of 61,000 people airborne over the US at any given moment.
272. Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same airplane in case there is a crash.
273. The most popular first name in the world is Muhammad. The most common name (of any type) in the world is Mohammed.
274. The surface of the Earth is about 60% water and 10% ice.
275. For every 230 cars that are made, 1 will be stolen.
276. Jimmy Carter was the first U.S. President to be born in a hospital.
277. Lightning strikes the earth about 8 million times a day.
278. Around 2,000 left-handed people die annually due to improper use of equipment designed only for right handed people.
279. The "if" and "then" parts of conditional ("if P then Q") statement are called the protasis (P) and apodosis (Q).
280. Humans use a total of 72 different muscles in speech.
281. If you feed a seagull Alka-Seltzer, its stomach will explode.
282. Only female mosquitoes bite.
283. The U.S. Post Office handles 43 percent of the world's mail.
284. Most household dust is made of dead skin cells.
285. One in about eight million people has progeria, a disease that causes people to grow faster than they age.
286. The male seahorse carries the eggs until they hatch instead of the female.
287. The "countdown" (counting down from 10 for an event such as New-Years Day) was first used in a 1929 German silent film called "Die Frau Im Monde" (The Girl in the Moon).
288. Negative emotions such as anxiety and depression can weaken your immune system.
289. There are seven suicides in the Bible: Abimelech. Samson, Saul, Saul's armor-bearer, Ahithophel, Zimri, Judas.
290. A mongoose is not a goose but more like a meercat, which is not a cat but more like a prairie dog, which is not a dog but more like a ground squirrel.
291. Stephen Hawking was born exactly 300 years after Galileo died.
292. Mercury is the only planet whose orbit is coplanar with its equator. Venus and Uranus are the only planets that rotate opposite to the direction of their orbit.
293. John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and James Monroe died on July 4th. Adams and Jefferson died in the same year. Supposedly, Adams last words were "Thomas Jefferson survives."
294. The Baby Ruth candy bar was named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth, not Babe Ruth the baseball player.
295. Dolphins can look in different directions with each eye. They can sleep with one eye open.
296. The Falkland Isles (pop. about 2000) has over 700000 sheep (350 per person).
297. There are 41,806 different spoken languages in the world today.
298. While many treaties have been signed at or near Paris, France (including many after WWI and WWII), nine are actually known as the "Treaty of Paris": Seven Years' War (1763), American Revolutionary War (1783), French-Swede War (1810), France vs Sixth Coalition (1814), Battle of Waterloo (1815), Crimean War (1856), Spanish-American War (1898), union of Bessarabia and Romania (1920), establishment of European Coal and Steel Community (1951).
299. Robert Todd Lincoln (Abraham Lincoln's oldest son) was in Washington DC during his father's assassination as well as during President Garfield's assassination, and he was in Buffalo NY when President McKinley was assassinated.
300. The city of Venice stands on about 120 small islands.
301. The past-tense of the English word "dare" is "durst".
302. Don Mac Lean's song "American Pie" was written about Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and J.P. Richardson (The Big Bopper), who all died in the same plane crash.
303. The drummer for ZZ Top (the only one without a beard) is named Frank Beard.
304. Hummingbirds can't walk.
305. When movie directors do not want their names to be seen in the credits, they use the pseudonym "Allen Smithee" instead. It has been used over 50 times, starting with "Death of a Gunfighter" (1969).
306. Four different people played the part of Darth Vader (body, face, voice, and breathing).
307. Pamela Lee-Anderson was the first to be born in Canada on the centennial anniversary of Canada's independence (7/1/1967).
308. There is about 200 times more gold in the oceans than has been mined throughout history.
309. William Shatner is credited for being the first person on TV to say "hell" as well as to have the first inter-racial kiss (with Nichelle Nichols), both in episodes of Star Trek.
310. While the US government's supply of gold is kept at Fort Knox, its supply of silver is kept at the Military Academy at West Point, NY.
311. Alexander Graham Bell's wife and mother were both deaf.
312. Compact discs read from the inside to the outside edge, the reverse of how a record works.
313. In the ancient Greek city-state of Sparta, if a man was not married by age 30, he would not be allowed to vote or watch athletic events involving nude young men.
314. Attila the Hun (invader of Europe; 406-453), Felix Faure (French President; 1841-1899), Pope Leo VII (936-939), Pope John VII (955-964), Pope Leo VIII (963-965), Pope John XIII (965-72), Pope Paul II (1467-1471), Lord Palmerston (British Prime Minister, 1784-1865), Nelson Rockefeller (US Vice President, 1908-1979), and John Entwistle (The Who's bassist, 1944-2002) all died while having sex.
315. Humans and dolphins are the only animals known to have sex for pleasure.
316. Pac-Man, Namco's 1979 arcade game, was originally called "Puck Man". The name was changed when they realized that vandals could easily scratch out part of the letter "P".
317. Shakespeare and Cervantes died on the same day, April 23, 1616.
318. There are about 7.7 million millionaires in the world (more than 1/1000th of the population).
319. The youngest mother on record was a Peruvian girl named Lina Medina. She gave birth to a boy by caesarean section on May 14, 1939 (which happened to be Mother's Day), at the age of five years, seven months and 21 days.
320. The "middle finger" gesture originates back to 423 BC in Aristophanes play "The Clouds".
Wanna know 320 useless facts tht u dont know and probably will never use!!?
That was really interesting. You must be a genius if you know all that. here's a star. I think that's one of the best questions ever.
Reply:OMG!! these r sooo intersting. i didnt know have this stuff. but i couldnt find the things on the dollar bills Report It
Reply:A local news anchor once made a joke about Tiger Woods real name being Wildebeest, and like the *dork* that I am, I believed it. Report It
Reply:1 comment is wrong. Bless you comes from Pope Gregory during the Black Plague. When people sneezed, symptom, he said bless you. He figured it cured them. Thats where "Bless You" comes from. Your heart really doesnt stop. Report It
Reply:i totally read them all! it was fun ^_^
i want to try some of them though... Report It
Reply:i read it way past it was done but still loved it thanks Report It
Reply:very very interesting!!! Report It
Reply:very very interesting!!! Report It
Reply:omg!!!!!!!!! wow i nvr knew thiz stuff!!!!!!! thnxs a bunch!!!!!! =) Report It
Reply:wow. Report It
Reply:wow i just read it and it is the most interesting thing i have ever read!!! Report It
Reply:wow i just read it and it is the most interesting thing i have ever read!!! Report It
Reply:wow i just read it and it is the most interesting thing i have ever read!!! Report It
Reply:wow i just read it and it is the most interesting thing i have ever read!!! Report It
Reply:I actually read through the whole thing.
I bet most people didn't.
Since I did,
can I have points?
PLLLEAASSEE!?
Reply:DO YOU realize if you had asked each of these as a question and then answered how many POINTS you could have had?????????????????????? you blew it
Reply:yeah thanks for the info
Reply:wow !!! reminds me of late night television. Good job!
Reply:Prove it. I want to see at least 320 citations.
Reply:Good job, I enjoyed reading each one.I am impressed with your research.
Reply:NICE cut %26amp; paste job...but I already knew
all this stuff... ...Remember "Cliff Claven" from
Cheers, I'm his sister...lol...not really...
But for some reason I know alot of useless information...It does come in handy at parties...sometimes...
Reply:funniest thing is...i wasnt even looknig in "religion %26amp; spirituality" section. i was answering star trek questions.
%26amp; this shows up under "star trek" LOL
treu though..lots of people consider star trek to be a religion in itself %26amp; your points have at least 3 star trek referrals...
Reply:Why not put some fun on this forum, every now and then? Thanks for that.
[had to give up reading at 100 or so. 97: was Oceania left out?]
Reply:I see someone just learned the joys of copy and paste.
Reply:Was there a religious or spiritual question in all that mess?
Reply:wow thats very interesting
Reply:Where did you get those?
Am I right in guessing that you are one of those people who like impressing others with random facts? I know I am.
Thanks.
Reply:Thanks,that was interetsing!#147-In Mulan,both of her parents are alive and well and DON'T die during the movie.
Reply:1) What is your question?
2) You posted this in the wrong section.
3) Many already knew much of this.
4) Many have already read all this before.
5) This is interesting.
6) This is way too long...you took up a lot of space.
Reply:I don't see a question here, nor do i see much pertaining to religion and spirituality.
Reply:Atilla the hun did not die while having sex. this was dumb.
Reply:Interesting, but what does this have to do with R%26amp;S?
Monday, November 16, 2009
Will Genetic Engineering be good ?
Just think of all the weird animals we could create. 60 Foot Birds Minature Elephants. Attack Shrews for protection
Will Genetic Engineering be good ?
Genetic engineering has great potential to do many good things, but it also can raise some serious ethical concerns. With genetic engineering, crops can be modified to be more restistant to disease, pests, and adverse weather. It can also be used to cause foods taste different, be larger or smaller, ect. Proper application of the science can increase the food supply and make growing areas and seasons larger, which is hard to say is a bad thing.
As far as engineering on humans, there is great debate. The science is really a 'hit and miss', 'trial and error' ordeal. To change the traits of an organism, scientists must test genes and see what changes correspond with which effects, predictions are very hard to make. Testing on humans with the knowledge we have today would no doubt result in the killing or deformation of countless fetuses and infants. If the science were better understood, numerous hereditary diseases could be cured, resulting in a much higher life expectancy for the gentically modified population. However, another ethical issue arises; if a baby could be 'planned' with genetic engineering, would it be right to do so? If we were to discover the genes linked with eye color, height, intelligence, ect., would it be acceptable for parents to predetermine the characteristics of their baby?
This kind of science is still a long way off, so it might be something you don't even have to worry about in your lifetime.
Reply:Genetic engineering as already started (I do some myself), but trust me, we have better things to do than to create weird animals and that kind of things.
We use genetic engineering to understand proteins function and regulation to understand diseases and create cures.
Genetic engineering costs way too much money and takes way to much time to try to do things for "fun".
Will Genetic Engineering be good ?
Genetic engineering has great potential to do many good things, but it also can raise some serious ethical concerns. With genetic engineering, crops can be modified to be more restistant to disease, pests, and adverse weather. It can also be used to cause foods taste different, be larger or smaller, ect. Proper application of the science can increase the food supply and make growing areas and seasons larger, which is hard to say is a bad thing.
As far as engineering on humans, there is great debate. The science is really a 'hit and miss', 'trial and error' ordeal. To change the traits of an organism, scientists must test genes and see what changes correspond with which effects, predictions are very hard to make. Testing on humans with the knowledge we have today would no doubt result in the killing or deformation of countless fetuses and infants. If the science were better understood, numerous hereditary diseases could be cured, resulting in a much higher life expectancy for the gentically modified population. However, another ethical issue arises; if a baby could be 'planned' with genetic engineering, would it be right to do so? If we were to discover the genes linked with eye color, height, intelligence, ect., would it be acceptable for parents to predetermine the characteristics of their baby?
This kind of science is still a long way off, so it might be something you don't even have to worry about in your lifetime.
Reply:Genetic engineering as already started (I do some myself), but trust me, we have better things to do than to create weird animals and that kind of things.
We use genetic engineering to understand proteins function and regulation to understand diseases and create cures.
Genetic engineering costs way too much money and takes way to much time to try to do things for "fun".
Which of these animals are the most endangered or the list in order?
African Wild Dog ,Amur Leopard ,Anaconda ,Arctic Fox ,Big Horn Sheep ,Bison ,Black-Footed Ferret ,Blue Whale ,Blue-Footed Booby ,Bonobo ,Cheetah ,Chimpanzee ,Clouded Leopard ,Clown Fish ,Crocodile ,Darwin's Fox ,Dolphin ,Douc Monkey,Dugong
Eagle,Emperor Tamarin ,Giant Anteater ,Giraffe ,Golden Lion,Tamarin ,Gorilla ,Gray Wolf ,Great White Shark ,Greater,Hedgehog Tenrec ,Grizzly Bear ,Hellbender Salamander ,Hippo ,Horned Puffin ,Humpback Whale ,Iguana ,Irawaddy Dolphin ,Jaguar ,Lemur ,Leopard ,Lion ,Macaw ,Manatee ,
Meerkat,Monarch Butterfly ,Moose ,Octopus ,Okapi ,Orangutan ,Orca Whale ,Panda ,Penguin ,Pink River Dolphin ,Polar Bear,Proboscis Monkey ,Pygmy Elephant ,Pygmy Marmoset
Red Panda,Red-Footed Booby,Sea Lion,Sea Otter,Seal Turtle,Seal,Snow Leopard ,Snowy Owl,Spectacled Bear Stingray,Sulphur-Crested Cockatoo,Sumatran Rhino,Tarsier,Three-Toed Sloth,Tiger,Tortoise,Toucan
Tree Frog,Vampire Bat,Walrus,Whale Shark,White-Cheeked Gibbon,Wild Mongolian Horse
Woodpecker, zebra
Which of these animals are the most endangered or the list in order?
Wow, you are going to have to do your own work on that one. Not to metion you have a major problem with the list. To help you out with your search I will list the problem animals below.
Below is a list of animals that have more than one species or subspecies that you will need to narrow down. For example there are several species of giraffes each species has a different number left. There are a few that I did not list that have subspecies. I did not list them because their populations are extremely close.
-Cheetah
-Crocodile
-Dolphin
-Eagle
-Giraffe
-Gorilla
-Hippo
-Iguana
-Lemur
-Manatee
-Macaw
-Octopus
-Orangutan
-Penguin
-Seal
-Stingray
-Tiger
-Woodpecker
-Zebra
Reply:I think you have most of Noah's
Ark filled up there......Geeze.
Reply:You are really asking for a lot there. Try doing some of your own research and you may actually learn something.
Eagle,Emperor Tamarin ,Giant Anteater ,Giraffe ,Golden Lion,Tamarin ,Gorilla ,Gray Wolf ,Great White Shark ,Greater,Hedgehog Tenrec ,Grizzly Bear ,Hellbender Salamander ,Hippo ,Horned Puffin ,Humpback Whale ,Iguana ,Irawaddy Dolphin ,Jaguar ,Lemur ,Leopard ,Lion ,Macaw ,Manatee ,
Meerkat,Monarch Butterfly ,Moose ,Octopus ,Okapi ,Orangutan ,Orca Whale ,Panda ,Penguin ,Pink River Dolphin ,Polar Bear,Proboscis Monkey ,Pygmy Elephant ,Pygmy Marmoset
Red Panda,Red-Footed Booby,Sea Lion,Sea Otter,Seal Turtle,Seal,Snow Leopard ,Snowy Owl,Spectacled Bear Stingray,Sulphur-Crested Cockatoo,Sumatran Rhino,Tarsier,Three-Toed Sloth,Tiger,Tortoise,Toucan
Tree Frog,Vampire Bat,Walrus,Whale Shark,White-Cheeked Gibbon,Wild Mongolian Horse
Woodpecker, zebra
Which of these animals are the most endangered or the list in order?
Wow, you are going to have to do your own work on that one. Not to metion you have a major problem with the list. To help you out with your search I will list the problem animals below.
Below is a list of animals that have more than one species or subspecies that you will need to narrow down. For example there are several species of giraffes each species has a different number left. There are a few that I did not list that have subspecies. I did not list them because their populations are extremely close.
-Cheetah
-Crocodile
-Dolphin
-Eagle
-Giraffe
-Gorilla
-Hippo
-Iguana
-Lemur
-Manatee
-Macaw
-Octopus
-Orangutan
-Penguin
-Seal
-Stingray
-Tiger
-Woodpecker
-Zebra
Reply:I think you have most of Noah's
Ark filled up there......Geeze.
Reply:You are really asking for a lot there. Try doing some of your own research and you may actually learn something.
Newfie joke...?
A Newfoundlander living in Toronto decided to visit the Metro
zoo. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man
claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person's age.
The Newfie was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The trainer had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy. "Oh yes," the boy said.
The Newfie was very loud in expressing his disbelief, so the man
asked the elephant to tell the ages of several other people, and each
time the elephant stamped his foot, the people said he was correct.
The Newfie got even louder and more abusive toward the man.
Finally the trainer could take it no longer and offered to bet the
Newfie that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age.
The Newfie accepted the wager.
Newfie joke...?
A story like that has to be true.
Reply:::giggles::
Reply:Haha! Funny! Star! *
Reply:haaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaa
Reply:Funny joke, good one.
Reply:haha that one was good
**starr**
Reply:sure saves time rather than stomping 42 times
rene
zoo. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man
claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person's age.
The Newfie was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The trainer had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy. "Oh yes," the boy said.
The Newfie was very loud in expressing his disbelief, so the man
asked the elephant to tell the ages of several other people, and each
time the elephant stamped his foot, the people said he was correct.
The Newfie got even louder and more abusive toward the man.
Finally the trainer could take it no longer and offered to bet the
Newfie that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age.
The Newfie accepted the wager.
Newfie joke...?
A story like that has to be true.
Reply:::giggles::
Reply:Haha! Funny! Star! *
Reply:haaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaa
Reply:Funny joke, good one.
Reply:haha that one was good
**starr**
Reply:sure saves time rather than stomping 42 times
rene
Why do elephants have black feet?
Stamp out burning ducks
Why do elephants have black feet?
Ha ha ha.....makes sense......
Reply:nah they are just trying to be the black Micheal Jackson.
Reply:hahaha stupid ducks!
Reply:poor duck alaska!
Reply:Because they work on dirty stuff and they dont wash their feet
Reply:not funny
Reply:not funny
Reply:They don't have elephant shoes. (If you went around barefoot all day, wouldn't your feet get black and dirty too?)
Why do elephants have black feet?
Ha ha ha.....makes sense......
Reply:nah they are just trying to be the black Micheal Jackson.
Reply:hahaha stupid ducks!
Reply:poor duck alaska!
Reply:Because they work on dirty stuff and they dont wash their feet
Reply:not funny
Reply:not funny
Reply:They don't have elephant shoes. (If you went around barefoot all day, wouldn't your feet get black and dirty too?)
Is this funny?
Heres a joke for ya-
A man was walking and saw an elephant with his foot up. He went over to see and looked underthe foot to find a thorn in the foot. He scraped it out and the elephant stomped away.
Years later the man went to a zoo with his son. He saw the elephant cage and decided to take a look. He noticed an elephant was holding his foot up. So the man climbed over the fence and went to see the elephant.
The elephant grabbed him with his trunk and swung him into the fence repeatedly, killing him.
Is this funny?
Seems like it is missing the punch line.
Reply:well its not that funny but its pretty good
Reply:I Dont Get It.
Reply:hmm i have several questions for you about your sanity, mental heath and drug using status but im gonna let all that slide and say that this joke is definitely a funny in a random laugh your *** off about nothing kinda way.
Reply:poor elephant. haha
Reply:uh.....ouch
Reply:ummmm sure
but anyway, i dont get it
HAHAHA
Reply:that's sad not funny
Reply:Nope...
Reply:rating 1-10 it would be a 0 it's not funny at all
Reply:no
Reply:no
Reply:HAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHH...
JK
not really that funny
Reply:Let me guess--you made this one up, didn't you?
Reply:that is hilarious!!!!!!!
not
Reply:Uhh, I suppose we all have a different idea of what 'funny' is. Our is most certainly not the same :P
Reply:That's no joke, just stupid.
Reply:Not At All
Reply:no
Reply:Not a joke. Not funny sorry to be so Honest. Just wasted my time but hey i got two points. So I guess................................
Reply:eeeer... I get it, but I still prefere those rolo adverts with the kid not giving the elephant a rolo. then, about 20 years later, he's watching a parade and some elephants go by, one walks over and slaps him with it's truck. heh
Reply:that was funny????
Reply:Absolutely ridiculous! Doesn't even make sense.What would be funny about that?
Reply:that aint funny
Reply:Moral of the story, don't f*ck with elephants.
And no. Not even sort of.
Reply:nope. didn't even make me grin.
Reply:That's gratitude for you! I would have given it a 1 but since it's not even the same elephant...................
Reply:It's kind of sad really, but I guess it could be funny. The real question is why did the guy climb over the fence in the first place? Or rather where was the guy walking were he just happened to see an elaphant walking by?
Reply:nope
Reply:not really..
Reply:Stinks!
A man was walking and saw an elephant with his foot up. He went over to see and looked underthe foot to find a thorn in the foot. He scraped it out and the elephant stomped away.
Years later the man went to a zoo with his son. He saw the elephant cage and decided to take a look. He noticed an elephant was holding his foot up. So the man climbed over the fence and went to see the elephant.
The elephant grabbed him with his trunk and swung him into the fence repeatedly, killing him.
Is this funny?
Seems like it is missing the punch line.
Reply:well its not that funny but its pretty good
Reply:I Dont Get It.
Reply:hmm i have several questions for you about your sanity, mental heath and drug using status but im gonna let all that slide and say that this joke is definitely a funny in a random laugh your *** off about nothing kinda way.
Reply:poor elephant. haha
Reply:uh.....ouch
Reply:ummmm sure
but anyway, i dont get it
HAHAHA
Reply:that's sad not funny
Reply:Nope...
Reply:rating 1-10 it would be a 0 it's not funny at all
Reply:no
Reply:no
Reply:HAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHH...
JK
not really that funny
Reply:Let me guess--you made this one up, didn't you?
Reply:that is hilarious!!!!!!!
not
Reply:Uhh, I suppose we all have a different idea of what 'funny' is. Our is most certainly not the same :P
Reply:That's no joke, just stupid.
Reply:Not At All
Reply:no
Reply:Not a joke. Not funny sorry to be so Honest. Just wasted my time but hey i got two points. So I guess................................
Reply:eeeer... I get it, but I still prefere those rolo adverts with the kid not giving the elephant a rolo. then, about 20 years later, he's watching a parade and some elephants go by, one walks over and slaps him with it's truck. heh
Reply:that was funny????
Reply:Absolutely ridiculous! Doesn't even make sense.What would be funny about that?
Reply:that aint funny
Reply:Moral of the story, don't f*ck with elephants.
And no. Not even sort of.
Reply:nope. didn't even make me grin.
Reply:That's gratitude for you! I would have given it a 1 but since it's not even the same elephant...................
Reply:It's kind of sad really, but I guess it could be funny. The real question is why did the guy climb over the fence in the first place? Or rather where was the guy walking were he just happened to see an elaphant walking by?
Reply:nope
Reply:not really..
Reply:Stinks!
Did you know?
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat up one cup of coffee.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like this, too.)
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight and pull 30 times its own weight.
Polar bears are left handed.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of six football fields.
A cockroach will live 9 days without its head before it starves to death.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
Pearls melt in vinegar. (and wine)
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog," uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test telex/two communications)
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts - Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down-hence the expression "to get fired."
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. (Actually, I'd heard that it was because of the sound the machine makes everytime it shoots out a block of kisses; it's a smacking sound like an exaggerated kiss.)
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating.
Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president Al Gore were freshman roommates at Harvard.
The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
The man who plays Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott on Star Trek is missing the entire middle finger of his right hand.
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929. "7 " was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP " indicated the direction of the bubbles.
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
American car horns beep in the tone of F. (Then why do some sound high and others low?)
No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times. (Wrong. I just did it by taping five sheets of tissue paper together and folding them eight times. I think what they're talking about is that you can't get a sharp crease... which I couldn't.)
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are 50 years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache
A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA"
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. (This could be fixed... what if Nike doesn't have a factory in Malaysia?)
Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.
Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal" The second? William Jefferson Clinton. (It would be fun to see what other words can be found in other president's names: obscenities, different names, expressions for the devil? This really isn't fair because most people have enough letters in their three names to make out something negative.)
Did you know?
WOAH!! Where'd you find all this pointless yet totally awesome stuff?! I read all of 'em and they're all AWESOME!! I'm gonna print this and read 'em to my parents!! THANKS!!
Reply:I've seen these before, and they are very interesting. I've only got one concern... did the person who took a cow upstairs continue to take more cows upstairs (just in case some were stupid)? If they did, WHO BOUGHT THAT HOUSE WHEN THE COW TESTER SOLD IT ?
Reply:you have too much time on your hands. have a star
Reply:stupid doctor.poor Jews.had to live through all those things and now are ashamed to admit they survived.
Adolf could've been aborted.
Reply:Using every letter only once the following conversion can be made. President Clinton of the USA converts to: To Copulate he finds interns.
Reply:Cool :D
Reply:wow i agree, this is too much to read, but the few things i read are interesting.
Reply:That was long and amazing. "That's what she said"
Reply:wow. thats a lot of info.
Reply:Fascinating stuff!
Reply:interesting. long but worth it. i've heard half of them. :] here's a star.
Reply:WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where do you find this stuff? This is sooo cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm really weirded out by the praying mantis mating processes...
Reply:» Yes, I did.
Reply:wow that was really amazing i knew a few of those but a lot of it was new to me lol cool that was interesting you get a star for that :D
Reply:i like mustard
Reply:Wow, that was REALLY COOL!!!!! You get a star for that!!!!
Reply:this was long
but interesting
Reply:wow! that's really interesting! star 4 you!
p.s.... i cant wait for august 2nd
*breaking dawn* : )
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like this, too.)
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight and pull 30 times its own weight.
Polar bears are left handed.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of six football fields.
A cockroach will live 9 days without its head before it starves to death.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
Pearls melt in vinegar. (and wine)
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog," uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test telex/two communications)
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts - Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down-hence the expression "to get fired."
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. (Actually, I'd heard that it was because of the sound the machine makes everytime it shoots out a block of kisses; it's a smacking sound like an exaggerated kiss.)
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating.
Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president Al Gore were freshman roommates at Harvard.
The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
The man who plays Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott on Star Trek is missing the entire middle finger of his right hand.
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929. "7 " was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP " indicated the direction of the bubbles.
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
American car horns beep in the tone of F. (Then why do some sound high and others low?)
No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times. (Wrong. I just did it by taping five sheets of tissue paper together and folding them eight times. I think what they're talking about is that you can't get a sharp crease... which I couldn't.)
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are 50 years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache
A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA"
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. (This could be fixed... what if Nike doesn't have a factory in Malaysia?)
Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.
Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal" The second? William Jefferson Clinton. (It would be fun to see what other words can be found in other president's names: obscenities, different names, expressions for the devil? This really isn't fair because most people have enough letters in their three names to make out something negative.)
Did you know?
WOAH!! Where'd you find all this pointless yet totally awesome stuff?! I read all of 'em and they're all AWESOME!! I'm gonna print this and read 'em to my parents!! THANKS!!
Reply:I've seen these before, and they are very interesting. I've only got one concern... did the person who took a cow upstairs continue to take more cows upstairs (just in case some were stupid)? If they did, WHO BOUGHT THAT HOUSE WHEN THE COW TESTER SOLD IT ?
Reply:you have too much time on your hands. have a star
Reply:stupid doctor.poor Jews.had to live through all those things and now are ashamed to admit they survived.
Adolf could've been aborted.
Reply:Using every letter only once the following conversion can be made. President Clinton of the USA converts to: To Copulate he finds interns.
Reply:Cool :D
Reply:wow i agree, this is too much to read, but the few things i read are interesting.
Reply:That was long and amazing. "That's what she said"
Reply:wow. thats a lot of info.
Reply:Fascinating stuff!
Reply:interesting. long but worth it. i've heard half of them. :] here's a star.
Reply:WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where do you find this stuff? This is sooo cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm really weirded out by the praying mantis mating processes...
Reply:» Yes, I did.
Reply:wow that was really amazing i knew a few of those but a lot of it was new to me lol cool that was interesting you get a star for that :D
Reply:i like mustard
Reply:Wow, that was REALLY COOL!!!!! You get a star for that!!!!
Reply:this was long
but interesting
Reply:wow! that's really interesting! star 4 you!
p.s.... i cant wait for august 2nd
*breaking dawn* : )
BeGabbers, He's right - LOL a funny stuff, rate it pls.?
While visiting a Zoo this Irish man saw a man with an elephant act.
The man claimed the elephant can tell person's age. The Irishman was very skeptical and said so in no uncertain terms.
The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times.
"Is that right?" he asked.
"Oh yes." the boy said.
The Irishman was very loud, not believing that this was true.The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and all whom were tested said he was correct. The Irishman got even louder and more abusive. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell his age. He agreed to it. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like a storm, turned back stomped his foot twice. Where upon the Irishman stumbled back and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried
"BeGabbers, He's right...Farty-two!"
BeGabbers, He's right - LOL a funny stuff, rate it pls.?
haha..i've read a similar version somewhere..lol!10!
Reply:lol... cute and funny. I've heard of something similar except it was an old lady using her talent. (hint hint)
Reply:lol good one
Reply:cute
Reply:hehehehe nice 1 - wd.
Reply:its funny, but gross and offensive cause I'M IRISH!!!
Reply:HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHA..LOL..9.999999999995 I Wonder If He Could Tell My age Lol..Ewww I Wouldnt Be Standing Any Where Near That Elephantttt lol
Reply:lol, thnx, 2 outa five, sorry.
Reply:not so bad
Reply:ha ha ha ha
Reply:LOL. LOL. It's a 10. LOL.
Reply:You managed to combine an ethnic joke and a fart joke all in to one.
Well done.
Reply:lol good one :)
email
The man claimed the elephant can tell person's age. The Irishman was very skeptical and said so in no uncertain terms.
The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times.
"Is that right?" he asked.
"Oh yes." the boy said.
The Irishman was very loud, not believing that this was true.The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and all whom were tested said he was correct. The Irishman got even louder and more abusive. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell his age. He agreed to it. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like a storm, turned back stomped his foot twice. Where upon the Irishman stumbled back and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried
"BeGabbers, He's right...Farty-two!"
BeGabbers, He's right - LOL a funny stuff, rate it pls.?
haha..i've read a similar version somewhere..lol!10!
Reply:lol... cute and funny. I've heard of something similar except it was an old lady using her talent. (hint hint)
Reply:lol good one
Reply:cute
Reply:hehehehe nice 1 - wd.
Reply:its funny, but gross and offensive cause I'M IRISH!!!
Reply:HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHA..LOL..9.999999999995 I Wonder If He Could Tell My age Lol..Ewww I Wouldnt Be Standing Any Where Near That Elephantttt lol
Reply:lol, thnx, 2 outa five, sorry.
Reply:not so bad
Reply:ha ha ha ha
Reply:LOL. LOL. It's a 10. LOL.
Reply:You managed to combine an ethnic joke and a fart joke all in to one.
Well done.
Reply:lol good one :)
What scares you the most about the circus?
1. Caged elephants which can rampage at any moment.
2. The smell of freshly-roasted peanuts mingled with the stench of manure.
3. Women who can bend backwards at a 90-degree angle.
4. Men in tights flipping through the air 100 feet above you and pretending to enjoy it.
5. The King of the Jungle whipped and beaten down to a harmless kitten.
6. Those creepy clowns.
What scares you the most about the circus?
haaaa, those men in tights, thats pretty scarry........course theres always that one who looks part elephant in those tights, and the other one you really can tell if hes a man or women.............lol
Reply:I was once gang raped by clowns. At first it wasn't bad but I figured out in short order why they have such big shoes.
Reply:sad clowns
Reply:the poor treatment of the animals...first
the clowns are scary...second
Reply:I worried about the animals getting scared in tight quarters...!!!
And, I things the clowns are great, myself...!!!
2. The smell of freshly-roasted peanuts mingled with the stench of manure.
3. Women who can bend backwards at a 90-degree angle.
4. Men in tights flipping through the air 100 feet above you and pretending to enjoy it.
5. The King of the Jungle whipped and beaten down to a harmless kitten.
6. Those creepy clowns.
What scares you the most about the circus?
haaaa, those men in tights, thats pretty scarry........course theres always that one who looks part elephant in those tights, and the other one you really can tell if hes a man or women.............lol
Reply:I was once gang raped by clowns. At first it wasn't bad but I figured out in short order why they have such big shoes.
Reply:sad clowns
Reply:the poor treatment of the animals...first
the clowns are scary...second
Reply:I worried about the animals getting scared in tight quarters...!!!
And, I things the clowns are great, myself...!!!
Hat term is given to animals that stand on 4 feet, such as dogs and elephants?
Quadruped
Hat term is given to animals that stand on 4 feet, such as dogs and elephants?
Quadripeds
Hat term is given to animals that stand on 4 feet, such as dogs and elephants?
Quadripeds
Will you rate this poem please? Faults, strongpoints, advice?
Fighting Tigers
Tigers fighting
Desperate for power
Paws scratching the face of the motherland
Killing each other
Under the feet of elephants
Trampling the grassy greens of our slumber
And I awake alone
Watching with eyes to see beyond
Blood staining the image of our humanity
And leaping tigers
Fighting
They say
Had it not been for opression
Brought upon us by outside forces
We would have risen
From beneath the feet of violent elephants
I say
We will need to check ourselves
Less we arise as fighting tigers of Africa
Fighting
Will you rate this poem please? Faults, strongpoints, advice?
id say its pretty good. my only suggestion would be maybe take "fighting" out of the 2nd to last line. i like it overall.
Reply:d
Reply:It doesnt make much sence becuase one line its talking about tigers and the next it seems to talk about elephants.I dont think its too good becuase its noteasy to understand try sticking to one subject.Sorry to be mean!X
Reply:Is it supposed to be dramatic or what.
Reply:From the get-go I was perplexed but as I read on it has a profound message that can only be understood by the intellectual mind. Great job!
Reply:Generic repetition always brings down a poem. If you need to use a word like fighting, then use a different word the next time you need to describe what it is the tigers are doing.
Also, tigers fighting under the feet of elephants is a bit....weird. An interesting metaphor, but one not written very well. It would be better to say something like "the blind fury of the tigers/tramples over our lives/like the green grass of slumber/is trampled under the passing feet/of elephants. It makes the metaphor more concrete, easier for the reader to understand and make the connection.
And if might be better if the 'we' that rises at the end of the poem rises up like a wounded tiger. If you are trying to make the connection that 'we' are, or can be, just like the irresponsible tigers in the poem, then metaphorically making yourself a wounded tiger is a stronger way of saying how you want the strength to rise, but are still not quite beyond the fighting you are rising above.
Good job.
Reply:it all good exept for the slumber and those elephants
Reply:thats nice
Reply:Thats a really really really good poem!! I love it!
Reply:Its cool...
Reply:Hint of a terrorist
Reply:That's the longest Haiku I've ever seen!
Reply:It has a nice message, but lacks symmetry and harmony with words though.
Reply:your poem is actually not bad theres enough detail to create a image but in some parts it sounds like politics ....
Fighting
They say
Had it not been for opression
Brought upon us by outside forces
We would have risen
Reply:it didn't rhyme but it was not bad
Reply:It didn't rhyme.
Reply:Kinsa gory.But very good.I like Blood staining the image of our humanity.It tells the world we need less fight and getting along more.But it needs a little more descritive words.
Reply:I assume you are describing the clans fighting each other while governments do nothing but oppress some more. Then you follow by referring that this could have been resolved long ago if not for the oppression of outside forces.
While you have a strong message, you are losing the effect by the lack of meter or flow. Rework should bring out the strong message of the poem
Reply:ummm
well i liked it...i know repetition it a good things in poetry b/c it makes things stand out, but it kinda lacks rhythm
and its a bit confuzzeling
Reply:your not too normal are yah?? ^o)
Reply:I like it, it makes sense and stays on topic!
Tigers fighting
Desperate for power
Paws scratching the face of the motherland
Killing each other
Under the feet of elephants
Trampling the grassy greens of our slumber
And I awake alone
Watching with eyes to see beyond
Blood staining the image of our humanity
And leaping tigers
Fighting
They say
Had it not been for opression
Brought upon us by outside forces
We would have risen
From beneath the feet of violent elephants
I say
We will need to check ourselves
Less we arise as fighting tigers of Africa
Fighting
Will you rate this poem please? Faults, strongpoints, advice?
id say its pretty good. my only suggestion would be maybe take "fighting" out of the 2nd to last line. i like it overall.
Reply:d
Reply:It doesnt make much sence becuase one line its talking about tigers and the next it seems to talk about elephants.I dont think its too good becuase its noteasy to understand try sticking to one subject.Sorry to be mean!X
Reply:Is it supposed to be dramatic or what.
Reply:From the get-go I was perplexed but as I read on it has a profound message that can only be understood by the intellectual mind. Great job!
Reply:Generic repetition always brings down a poem. If you need to use a word like fighting, then use a different word the next time you need to describe what it is the tigers are doing.
Also, tigers fighting under the feet of elephants is a bit....weird. An interesting metaphor, but one not written very well. It would be better to say something like "the blind fury of the tigers/tramples over our lives/like the green grass of slumber/is trampled under the passing feet/of elephants. It makes the metaphor more concrete, easier for the reader to understand and make the connection.
And if might be better if the 'we' that rises at the end of the poem rises up like a wounded tiger. If you are trying to make the connection that 'we' are, or can be, just like the irresponsible tigers in the poem, then metaphorically making yourself a wounded tiger is a stronger way of saying how you want the strength to rise, but are still not quite beyond the fighting you are rising above.
Good job.
Reply:it all good exept for the slumber and those elephants
Reply:thats nice
Reply:Thats a really really really good poem!! I love it!
Reply:Its cool...
Reply:Hint of a terrorist
Reply:That's the longest Haiku I've ever seen!
Reply:It has a nice message, but lacks symmetry and harmony with words though.
Reply:your poem is actually not bad theres enough detail to create a image but in some parts it sounds like politics ....
Fighting
They say
Had it not been for opression
Brought upon us by outside forces
We would have risen
Reply:it didn't rhyme but it was not bad
Reply:It didn't rhyme.
Reply:Kinsa gory.But very good.I like Blood staining the image of our humanity.It tells the world we need less fight and getting along more.But it needs a little more descritive words.
Reply:I assume you are describing the clans fighting each other while governments do nothing but oppress some more. Then you follow by referring that this could have been resolved long ago if not for the oppression of outside forces.
While you have a strong message, you are losing the effect by the lack of meter or flow. Rework should bring out the strong message of the poem
Reply:ummm
well i liked it...i know repetition it a good things in poetry b/c it makes things stand out, but it kinda lacks rhythm
and its a bit confuzzeling
Reply:your not too normal are yah?? ^o)
Reply:I like it, it makes sense and stays on topic!
Do you know these (Part III)?
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed wiith only the left hand.
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different
Do you know these (Part III)?
Okay, funny facts, but the bit about the headphones was very interesting, as I worked for a while on a switch board and wore a headphone for many hours and I now have a recurring infection in that ear, which I suspected was due to the headphone. Thanks, you've confirmed it.
I'm glad elephants can't jump. Think of the holes if they did!
Reply:1
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some ******’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more ******’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the ******’ French toast."
2
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. (Jackie Mason)
3
Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven Wright)
4
Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-*******-believable!"
5
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
6
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said. "No. I hate myself now." (Rodney Dangerfield)
7
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!" (Myron Cohen)
8
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.
9
I went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it." (Garry Shandling)
10
A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living." (Henny Youngman)
11
Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna **** around?"
12
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
13
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
14
At a White House party, a woman approached Calvin Coolidge, famed for his silence, and said "Mr. President, I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you." He replied: "You lose."
15
L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there's a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson -- and when he shows up, they tell him there'll be a ten-minute wait. (Bill Maher)
16
I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Rodney Dangerfield)
17
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."
18
I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I'd go to confession, I'd say "Bless me, father, for I have sinned -- and you know my attorney, Mr.Cohen." (Bill Maher)
19
A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in **** up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with **** up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with **** up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
20
Jack Benny is walking down the street, when a stick-up man pulls out a gun and says "Your money or your life!" An extremely long silence follows. "Your money or your life!" the thug repeats. Finally Benny says "I’m thinking!"
21
A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."
22
On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a *******." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"
23
I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. (Henny Youngman)
24
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."
25
TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. (Jerry Seinfeld)
26
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scount, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
27
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
28
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter. (Emo Philips)
29
A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk." Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."
30
I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their Mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on the phone. They’ve already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong. (Chris Rock)
31
I worked some gigs in the Deep South…Alabama…You talk about Darwin’s waiting room. There are guys in Alabama who are their own father. (Dennis Miller)
32
In football you wear a helmet; in baseball you wear a cap. Football is concerned with downs; baseball is concerned with ups. In football you receive a penalty; in baseball you make an error. In football the specialist comes in to kick; in baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody. (George Carlin)
33
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty six hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours. (Rita Rudner)
34
A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple’s cantor. When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: "Schmuck! Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!"
35
At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn’t know gave me anything. Even the people I know don’t give me anything. (George Wallace)
36
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future. (Richard Jeni)
37
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee. (Abraham Lincoln)
38
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)
39
This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures. (Richard Lewis)
40
There’s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. (Larry Miller)
41
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
42
I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. (Woody Allen)
43
I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No, I'm just looking." (George Miller)
44
Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number. "Number 37!" cracks the first comic, and the others break up. ""Number 53!" says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. "44!" he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. "What?" he asks, "Isn’t 44 funny?" "Sure, it’s usually hilarious," they answer. "But the way you tell it…"
45
A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O’Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I’m telling everybody!"
46
Contrary to what most people would say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see. (Jack Handey)
47
The only thing I know about Africa is that it's far, far away. About a thirty-five hour flight. The boat ride's so long, there are still slaves on their way here. (Chris Rock)
48
Last year, I deducted 10, 697 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense. The tax man said, "Don’t ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand." (Dick Gregory)
49
Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport. (Bobcat Goldthwait)
50
Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. 'Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day." "Oh, my god," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."
51
I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. (Steven Wright)
52
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. (W.C. Fields)
53
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. (Emo Philips)
54
Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions." (Woody Allen)
55
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?" (Henny Youngman)
56
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why. (Redd Foxx)
57
I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis).
58
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. (A. Whitney Brown)
59
Last time I was down South, I was in a restaurant and ordered some chicken, and these three cousins, you know the ones I mean, Klu, Kluck and Klan, come up and say "Boy, we’re givin’ you fair warnin’. Anything you do to that chicken, we’re gonna do to you." So I put down my knife and fork, and I picked up that chicken, and I kissed it. (Dick Gregory)
60
If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts. (Steven Wright)
61
A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?"
62
Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, theyd’ say "Thank you." That graduated into "Have a nice day." That’s now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check – the waiter said, "Don’t put off that mammogram." (Rita Rudner)
63
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two." "How’s you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets."
64
Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?" (Gilbert Gottfried)
65
An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We’ll take care of it, ma’am" and yells back ‘"Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"
66
We had a depression fair in the back yard. A major game there was Pin the Blame on the Donkey. (Richard Lewis)
67
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!" (Jack Handey)
68
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. (David Letterman)
69
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)
70
I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse. (Dennis Miller)
71
Two ministers doing missionary work in the South Seas are captured by a tribe and tied to stakes. The chief says to them, "You have a choice – death, or ugga bugga." The first guy says, "Well, I guess ugga bugga." The chief shouts "UGGA BUGGA!" and 30 members of the tribe attack and sodomize the first missionary. The chief then asks the second minister, "Now you have a choice, death or ugga bugga." He says "well, my religion does not allow me to choose ugga bugga, so I suppose it must be death." The chief says, "Very well," and shouts "DEATH. But first, UGGA BUGGA!
72
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks ‘Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again. (David Brenner).
73
These impossible women! How do they get around us! The poet was right: can’t live with them, or without them! (Aristophanes)
74
I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy " I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, ‘Okay, you're ugly too!" (Rodney Dangerfield)
75
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."
76
Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves. (Johnny Carson)
77
Take my wife…please (Henny Youngman)
78
A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now what’s your final question?"
79
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)
80
I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)
81
Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That's a good thing. He's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (Jon Stewart)
82
My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners! (Sarah Silverman)
83
I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world (Steven Wright)
84
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?"
85
Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. (George Burns)
86
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, "No hablo ingles." (Ronnie Shakes)
87
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."
88
My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters. (Brian Kiley)
89
I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member. (Groucho Marx)
90
A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I wired my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t get your telegram."
91
They say animal behavior can warm you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona (Bob Hope/Gene Perret)
92
A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."
93
I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?' (Steven Wright)
94
A comedian is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a beautiuful woman comes up to him and says "I saw you perform tonight, and you’re the funniest guy I’ve ever seen. I want to take you home and give you the hottest night of sex you’re ever had." The comedian looks at her and says, "Did you see the first show or the second show?"
95
The guy who shot Robert Kennedy, Sirhan Sirhan, goes up for parole every year. Once he even told the parole board that if Kennedy was alive today, he would speak in his favor and say let him go. What a tough break, you know? The one guy who would have supported him, and he shot him. (Paula Poundstone)
96
Bob: "Emily, aren’t you afraid of death?" Emily: "I just think of it as a part of life." Bob: "Yeah. The last part." (Bob Newhart show/Sy Rosen)
97
I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, "You can’t fire me. I quit." (Bill Maher)
98
My father heard the story of the Menendez brothers. He quit playing the lottery. He said ‘Screw it, I’ve got twelve kids. Any one of them could snap." (Paul Rodriguez)
99
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... (Brian Kiley)
100
I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (Steven Wright)
Reply:Can rhinos jump?
Reply:Hi ! Eeeetteee zzzzil, u 're a genius . Y! should nominated u for the A.Einstein prize.
Reply:I didnt know some of thoes. Thanx!
Reply:I've read these before. I think some of these are really cool.
Have a great Friday evening!
Reply:"In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated." This is wrong. What about rats? Rats were only tamed during the 1800's. I'm sure there are lots more examples of animals that have been domesticated in the last 4000 years.
Reply:You are beyond awesome, L ! I am really happy that I met you.
Reply:these I read else where....
I liked part 1 -2...they were new to me(most of them)
Beauty Home
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed wiith only the left hand.
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different
Do you know these (Part III)?
Okay, funny facts, but the bit about the headphones was very interesting, as I worked for a while on a switch board and wore a headphone for many hours and I now have a recurring infection in that ear, which I suspected was due to the headphone. Thanks, you've confirmed it.
I'm glad elephants can't jump. Think of the holes if they did!
Reply:1
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some ******’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more ******’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the ******’ French toast."
2
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. (Jackie Mason)
3
Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven Wright)
4
Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-*******-believable!"
5
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
6
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said. "No. I hate myself now." (Rodney Dangerfield)
7
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!" (Myron Cohen)
8
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.
9
I went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it." (Garry Shandling)
10
A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living." (Henny Youngman)
11
Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna **** around?"
12
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
13
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
14
At a White House party, a woman approached Calvin Coolidge, famed for his silence, and said "Mr. President, I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you." He replied: "You lose."
15
L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there's a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson -- and when he shows up, they tell him there'll be a ten-minute wait. (Bill Maher)
16
I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Rodney Dangerfield)
17
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."
18
I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I'd go to confession, I'd say "Bless me, father, for I have sinned -- and you know my attorney, Mr.Cohen." (Bill Maher)
19
A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in **** up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with **** up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with **** up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
20
Jack Benny is walking down the street, when a stick-up man pulls out a gun and says "Your money or your life!" An extremely long silence follows. "Your money or your life!" the thug repeats. Finally Benny says "I’m thinking!"
21
A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."
22
On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a *******." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"
23
I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. (Henny Youngman)
24
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."
25
TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. (Jerry Seinfeld)
26
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scount, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
27
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
28
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter. (Emo Philips)
29
A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk." Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."
30
I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their Mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on the phone. They’ve already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong. (Chris Rock)
31
I worked some gigs in the Deep South…Alabama…You talk about Darwin’s waiting room. There are guys in Alabama who are their own father. (Dennis Miller)
32
In football you wear a helmet; in baseball you wear a cap. Football is concerned with downs; baseball is concerned with ups. In football you receive a penalty; in baseball you make an error. In football the specialist comes in to kick; in baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody. (George Carlin)
33
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty six hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours. (Rita Rudner)
34
A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple’s cantor. When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: "Schmuck! Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!"
35
At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn’t know gave me anything. Even the people I know don’t give me anything. (George Wallace)
36
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future. (Richard Jeni)
37
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee. (Abraham Lincoln)
38
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)
39
This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures. (Richard Lewis)
40
There’s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. (Larry Miller)
41
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
42
I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. (Woody Allen)
43
I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No, I'm just looking." (George Miller)
44
Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number. "Number 37!" cracks the first comic, and the others break up. ""Number 53!" says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. "44!" he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. "What?" he asks, "Isn’t 44 funny?" "Sure, it’s usually hilarious," they answer. "But the way you tell it…"
45
A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O’Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I’m telling everybody!"
46
Contrary to what most people would say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see. (Jack Handey)
47
The only thing I know about Africa is that it's far, far away. About a thirty-five hour flight. The boat ride's so long, there are still slaves on their way here. (Chris Rock)
48
Last year, I deducted 10, 697 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense. The tax man said, "Don’t ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand." (Dick Gregory)
49
Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport. (Bobcat Goldthwait)
50
Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. 'Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day." "Oh, my god," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."
51
I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. (Steven Wright)
52
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. (W.C. Fields)
53
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. (Emo Philips)
54
Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions." (Woody Allen)
55
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?" (Henny Youngman)
56
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why. (Redd Foxx)
57
I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis).
58
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. (A. Whitney Brown)
59
Last time I was down South, I was in a restaurant and ordered some chicken, and these three cousins, you know the ones I mean, Klu, Kluck and Klan, come up and say "Boy, we’re givin’ you fair warnin’. Anything you do to that chicken, we’re gonna do to you." So I put down my knife and fork, and I picked up that chicken, and I kissed it. (Dick Gregory)
60
If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts. (Steven Wright)
61
A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?"
62
Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, theyd’ say "Thank you." That graduated into "Have a nice day." That’s now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check – the waiter said, "Don’t put off that mammogram." (Rita Rudner)
63
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two." "How’s you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets."
64
Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?" (Gilbert Gottfried)
65
An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We’ll take care of it, ma’am" and yells back ‘"Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"
66
We had a depression fair in the back yard. A major game there was Pin the Blame on the Donkey. (Richard Lewis)
67
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!" (Jack Handey)
68
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. (David Letterman)
69
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)
70
I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse. (Dennis Miller)
71
Two ministers doing missionary work in the South Seas are captured by a tribe and tied to stakes. The chief says to them, "You have a choice – death, or ugga bugga." The first guy says, "Well, I guess ugga bugga." The chief shouts "UGGA BUGGA!" and 30 members of the tribe attack and sodomize the first missionary. The chief then asks the second minister, "Now you have a choice, death or ugga bugga." He says "well, my religion does not allow me to choose ugga bugga, so I suppose it must be death." The chief says, "Very well," and shouts "DEATH. But first, UGGA BUGGA!
72
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks ‘Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again. (David Brenner).
73
These impossible women! How do they get around us! The poet was right: can’t live with them, or without them! (Aristophanes)
74
I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy " I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, ‘Okay, you're ugly too!" (Rodney Dangerfield)
75
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."
76
Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves. (Johnny Carson)
77
Take my wife…please (Henny Youngman)
78
A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now what’s your final question?"
79
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)
80
I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)
81
Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That's a good thing. He's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (Jon Stewart)
82
My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners! (Sarah Silverman)
83
I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world (Steven Wright)
84
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?"
85
Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. (George Burns)
86
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, "No hablo ingles." (Ronnie Shakes)
87
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."
88
My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters. (Brian Kiley)
89
I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member. (Groucho Marx)
90
A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I wired my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t get your telegram."
91
They say animal behavior can warm you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona (Bob Hope/Gene Perret)
92
A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."
93
I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?' (Steven Wright)
94
A comedian is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a beautiuful woman comes up to him and says "I saw you perform tonight, and you’re the funniest guy I’ve ever seen. I want to take you home and give you the hottest night of sex you’re ever had." The comedian looks at her and says, "Did you see the first show or the second show?"
95
The guy who shot Robert Kennedy, Sirhan Sirhan, goes up for parole every year. Once he even told the parole board that if Kennedy was alive today, he would speak in his favor and say let him go. What a tough break, you know? The one guy who would have supported him, and he shot him. (Paula Poundstone)
96
Bob: "Emily, aren’t you afraid of death?" Emily: "I just think of it as a part of life." Bob: "Yeah. The last part." (Bob Newhart show/Sy Rosen)
97
I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, "You can’t fire me. I quit." (Bill Maher)
98
My father heard the story of the Menendez brothers. He quit playing the lottery. He said ‘Screw it, I’ve got twelve kids. Any one of them could snap." (Paul Rodriguez)
99
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... (Brian Kiley)
100
I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (Steven Wright)
Reply:Can rhinos jump?
Reply:Hi ! Eeeetteee zzzzil, u 're a genius . Y! should nominated u for the A.Einstein prize.
Reply:I didnt know some of thoes. Thanx!
Reply:I've read these before. I think some of these are really cool.
Have a great Friday evening!
Reply:"In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated." This is wrong. What about rats? Rats were only tamed during the 1800's. I'm sure there are lots more examples of animals that have been domesticated in the last 4000 years.
Reply:You are beyond awesome, L ! I am really happy that I met you.
Reply:these I read else where....
I liked part 1 -2...they were new to me(most of them)
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