Monday, November 16, 2009

Will you rate this poem please? Faults, strongpoints, advice?

Fighting Tigers

Tigers fighting

Desperate for power

Paws scratching the face of the motherland

Killing each other

Under the feet of elephants

Trampling the grassy greens of our slumber

And I awake alone

Watching with eyes to see beyond

Blood staining the image of our humanity

And leaping tigers


They say

Had it not been for opression

Brought upon us by outside forces

We would have risen

From beneath the feet of violent elephants

I say

We will need to check ourselves

Less we arise as fighting tigers of Africa


Will you rate this poem please? Faults, strongpoints, advice?
id say its pretty good. my only suggestion would be maybe take "fighting" out of the 2nd to last line. i like it overall.
Reply:It doesnt make much sence becuase one line its talking about tigers and the next it seems to talk about elephants.I dont think its too good becuase its noteasy to understand try sticking to one subject.Sorry to be mean!X
Reply:Is it supposed to be dramatic or what.
Reply:From the get-go I was perplexed but as I read on it has a profound message that can only be understood by the intellectual mind. Great job!
Reply:Generic repetition always brings down a poem. If you need to use a word like fighting, then use a different word the next time you need to describe what it is the tigers are doing.

Also, tigers fighting under the feet of elephants is a bit....weird. An interesting metaphor, but one not written very well. It would be better to say something like "the blind fury of the tigers/tramples over our lives/like the green grass of slumber/is trampled under the passing feet/of elephants. It makes the metaphor more concrete, easier for the reader to understand and make the connection.

And if might be better if the 'we' that rises at the end of the poem rises up like a wounded tiger. If you are trying to make the connection that 'we' are, or can be, just like the irresponsible tigers in the poem, then metaphorically making yourself a wounded tiger is a stronger way of saying how you want the strength to rise, but are still not quite beyond the fighting you are rising above.

Good job.
Reply:it all good exept for the slumber and those elephants
Reply:thats nice
Reply:Thats a really really really good poem!! I love it!
Reply:Its cool...
Reply:Hint of a terrorist
Reply:That's the longest Haiku I've ever seen!
Reply:It has a nice message, but lacks symmetry and harmony with words though.
Reply:your poem is actually not bad theres enough detail to create a image but in some parts it sounds like politics ....


They say

Had it not been for opression

Brought upon us by outside forces

We would have risen
Reply:it didn't rhyme but it was not bad
Reply:It didn't rhyme.
Reply:Kinsa gory.But very good.I like Blood staining the image of our humanity.It tells the world we need less fight and getting along more.But it needs a little more descritive words.
Reply:I assume you are describing the clans fighting each other while governments do nothing but oppress some more. Then you follow by referring that this could have been resolved long ago if not for the oppression of outside forces.

While you have a strong message, you are losing the effect by the lack of meter or flow. Rework should bring out the strong message of the poem

well i liked it...i know repetition it a good things in poetry b/c it makes things stand out, but it kinda lacks rhythm

and its a bit confuzzeling
Reply:your not too normal are yah?? ^o)
Reply:I like it, it makes sense and stays on topic!

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